my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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