I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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