if only i could text you this smell
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
