Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
