"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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