my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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