i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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