People in love make me want to vomit
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
