Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
