I can text with my tongue
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
the liver wants what the liver wants
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
