So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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