dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
His hands were made for my vagina.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
