i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
