got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
