I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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