I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
