I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
