Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
