I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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