You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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