I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
