I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm too high and old for this...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize