The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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