Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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