i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
