There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What a dumb baby whore.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
