Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
