Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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