hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
