Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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