Only a mothe r could love this liver
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
