What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
