I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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