YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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