Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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