I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
