I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
