We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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