I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My vagina is officially offended.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
