you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My life is pants optional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
