Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
