someone threw a dead crab at me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
