dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
