Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
