Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
