She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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