RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
