did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
