i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
