Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize