Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
