i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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