Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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