It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
