so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
