well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I need to stop coming to work sober
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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