I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
