She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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