I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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