Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
