No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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