How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
