But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
