Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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