it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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